I identify as a creative person. I always have. If you ask me, I am someone who draws and writes and paints and sings. I say these things even now, when I have come to a point in my life where these are things I never really make time to do.
Drawing and painting has gone from being a peaceful, joyous, enjoyable activity to something that stresses me out so much that I can't even start something let alone finish. I'm certain that this is a product of my insecurities and need to overachieve in everything. I feel the pressure of performing. I'm too old to draw terribly. I start a drawing and think it's great, but then I can't finish because what if on that last pencil stroke I make a mistake and ruin the whole thing. Insecurity. Imperfection. I fail before I even start.
My blog is testament to how little I write at the moment. I still keep a diary and I write in it most days. It's not creative writing. It's not poetry. But I tell myself that that's better than nothing. I read and tell myself that it's almost as good as writing something myself. I feel so uninspired. My life is so the same. So stable. What is there to write about at this point? I've seen it all before. Uninspired. I don't know how to start.
The only thing I still do is sing in the car...but even that is being replaced by listening to podcasts...A more grownup use of my time. Or something.
I'm losing the will to make time to do things that are a huge part of how I define myself as a person...
Is this depression again? Am I changing as a person? Or do I just need to shake up my life and do something inspiring?
Well.. there is a lot of personal stuff you leave out that could be the cause of your affliction.. but don't blame it on yourself .. or make it personally yours ,,because it isn't.. I would say any creative person sometime loses their superpower.. and right away panics..... agghh run for your life... I trying to kill my self" ...ha ha ha but what works for me I going back to my roots with what I started as a beginner abd see the road back...
ReplyDeleteHi Michael. Thanks for the reply. That's great advice. Going back to my roots has helped me in the past when I have lost my voice. Maybe it will help me again this time. :)
DeleteI was gonna ask you if you had written lately but I got busy. Then I saw this and it answered me.
ReplyDeleteYou may not appreciate my thought process but just consider it...
Inspiration versus time. The stars are something I've seen every day of my life and they still inspire me. But seeing homeless people on the side of the roads seem to have become just another, uninspiring scene. Why does one scene, that I have no control over, inspire me while the other, which I can make a difference upon, not affect me to the point of action?
You've seen all that you don't have to actively seek, perhaps?
And that has become uninspiring as a pathway of life. Even the idea of not being inspired is, in and of itself, uninspiring.
Now you're at the stage where you've got to dare to be uncomfortable with what you do. Jump off something high or commit a petty crime. Drive 160kph. Alter your routine. Go to a pub and do karaoke.
Become controllably unstable.